I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
