the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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