Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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