my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
