Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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