I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We are all done wearing pants today
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
