you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
