her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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