I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
