When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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