You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
