please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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