Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
