I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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