he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
