He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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