Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
