She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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