i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
