we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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