She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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