Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
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Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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