My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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