I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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