And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
