So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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