It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
