Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
