If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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