you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There r osticjed everywhere
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
