so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
