I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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