So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
