I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Operation Purity has been aborted
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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