I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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