My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
