Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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