i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
