oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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