I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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