She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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