Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
