he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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