You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
