I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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