can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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