i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
