OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
this beer tastes like vomit already
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
