I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
