We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
