Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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