I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
