Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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