Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
