I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
