i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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