My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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