so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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