I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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