those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
