we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
