im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
