They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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