we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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