Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
